Alone or Lonely

When i look back.. i went through such a state of mind, many times in my life...

In my childhood and  teenage , i had  lot of such experiences..

Now i can make the conclusion that i experienced loneliness..

In my childhood and teenage 

Even though i had many friends,

I went through the state of loneliness... 

Because i was searching for one who can understand me well..

Even with out uttering a word...

One who can understand the real me...

One who can accept me as a good friend..

One who need me as a good friend..

One who ask my help

I tried my best to become transparent ...

But i never felt the warmth of care and love..

The Child in me badly wished for such a good friend ...

But i failed.

In my childhood dreams...

I used to visualize that one day an angel will come..

In a pink gown, with soft wings,a magic wand in her hand..

And will play in the green paddy fields near my school..

And many friends will join us....

We will play in rain...

That dream is not yet finished..

Because the goddess of sleep took me to some other unknown world every night.... Part of my childhood and teenage fantasy..

When i started analyzing things from other persons stand point 

i got some answers...

Some times some facts will make us sad...
but ...have to accept it .

I am  not a wanted friend

Finally i realized and accepted it as a fact.
May be I am not a good friend...

One who don't have the qualities of a good friend..

When i observe and analyze  it from other persons perspective....
Possibilities are there ...

That was a good solution for my intellect...

There was many ,who admired me because of some qualities in me that i was not even aware..

But...

The child in me was in a state of confusion..

Whether to laugh or cry..

But smiled.. Because there was no other option..

But Now... Even now ...Even after long years

When i am going through such a state I am not able to distinguish between that ...

Intellectually i know lonely is not a synonym for alone..The word lonely connotes isolation and dejection...A missed absence of companions when its applied to persons. Alone means complete by oneself..A state of solitude...

hmmmmm.... Heavy theoretical stuffs...

Even now... I am not able to distinguish between them ...

Feel so Sad.. 

But Intellect is firing me left and right ....

My Philosophical and  Intellectual part of mind is forcing  me  to conclude it as a state of solitude...

But my Emotional part of mind is not ready to compromise...

With lot of Compassion, My Commonsense is helping me to tune myself to higher..

To  listen HIS whisper.... 

To listen to My Inner Voice...  

Keep moving  my dear...

Keep moving my dear ..

With out any regret...  

Keep moving my dear.. 

Honestly ....

I Badly wish for a great satsang....

Hmmmm... 

Let the intellect and mind  fight...

May be one day they will come to a conclusion ...

One day the beautiful  Butterfly will come out of the cocoon...

I can wait.. 

with love...